[Verv]

Writings that do not really merit their own topics and are vaguely spiritual or just... literary. I do not feel they belong on my blog and would like PoFo users to browse and comment on them if they like. I would like feedback if you have any and that'd be far more productive for me as a writer than having them go unviewed on a hard drive.

Honor Is Its' Own Reward

As I have gotten older it seems that there are very few things that are ever rewarded. We can engage in any manner of activities positive to those around us but at the end of the day the fame or money for them does not manifest itself and it never will.

"They give so much money to charities." This was the response that I received from a 13 year old girl when I asked her why a K-Pop star could be a hero. Apparently, to the average teenager there is heroics in donating large amounts of things that you already have in abundance. Being gifted in wealth is its own heroism, eh?

The fact of the matter is that these folk will always be first in the hearts of the dumb -- the singers. The actors. The celebrities.

And then there are the intellectuals who tend to admire the intelligent and the gifted artists and geniuses (who are often dead) and there does seem to be inherently far more merit to this practice. There is a tangible contribution being made to these people but...

Intellect is not a great accomplishment. Intellect is a gift. Celebrating someone solely on their intelligence is not so different from celebrating someone solely on their money, or their athleticism. I can see how many of these people tried hard to get where they were but, again, it is a gift to be a great artist, engineer, scientist, philosopher or writer -- to be given something that with some practice grants one incalculable success and a place in history.

If you were really to measure the worth of a person I think that you would find it in their kindness and warmheartedness towards others. Those who love freely and are kind to all irrespective of how they are treated by them are veritable Saints. But I am not a Saint, and I do not enjoy the rewards of perpetual kindness and universal love.

Oh, I am no villain -- I am no jerk waiting to elbow by you on the subway or return a friendly nod with a scowl. I am not the fellow who cuts in line or is quick to insult... But I am certainly not the fellow who keeps smiling when I am elbowed and I am not the fellow who keeps a distance when insulted. I am not (nor are most people) cut out for that behavior. These people have their reward -- theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven or the blowout of Nirvana.

Rather, I throw my hat in with the Honorable -- this, I say, is the greatest measure of a man who falls short of Sainthood.

Men & women who were not perfect in their kindness but were stubborn and principled, prickly and pigheaded but were ready to sacrifice when it was proper and never shirked responsibility or duty.

Honorable people, duty bound; 'first to fight,' 'ready to die. Uncompromising. And always duly unimpressed...

It is hard to describe what 'duly unimpressed' means but to those who have been in the world of warriors it is an easily recognizable feature. It is not unlike the distant stares and rigid postures that often accompany warriors, or the way they are able to lean back in chairs in a discourteous & nonchalant fashion and reveal a beer belly or spit a wad of tobacco into a cup without any sense of self-consciousness. There is no need for being overly conscientious when you have walked as equals with warriors.

I am guessing duly unimpressed would best be described by the way that there is a general contempt for the ideologies which try to solve world problems that are unsolvable, and the idea of trying to fix that which is not broken, or trying to help that which is not worthy of help... there is an inherent anti-intellectualism here.

If we were to try to ascribe more features to this then it would be a bit difficult and a bit like casting pearls before swine but rest assured that if you are questioning whether or not you fit into this category you surely do not.

Honor has no rewards because those who admire the honorable are nearly always themselves honorable, or they are children before going sour or who will join the future ranks. Or they are the Saints who blessed them as they passed. Honor's only reward is its good company and, of course, honor itself.

[Verv]

I am adding this to the archive of things; perhaps I should have only put it here and not in Gorkiy, and that is a thought, but I have no regrets. :

I work in a new place for 15 hours a week. I have already bonded with the majority of the co-workers, and we have a better rapport than I ever thought. Because it is a museum, everyone seems to be 'the sort of person who would work at a museum,' that is to say, the sort of people who are interested in a lot of things...

So we've already basically bonded on some level and it's the 3rd-4th day of me working there, and I am there in the office and I realize that I have to go to the bathroom. Everyone in my office is a woman. I am the 'OneMaleHuman,' if you will. I know, for a fact, that one of the women was a Christian missionary in South Africa for a year, and I also know that one of the other women got her doctorate in Japan and is a devout Buddhist. The other two women I do not know that well -- they are pretty and kind, polite. They are young. I am also the only caucasian, and I have a beard. And I have to go to the bathroom, "#2."

... And not just a normal '#2,' but a "I will feel a lot better after this" movement of the bowels. I am quite aware that it will be large, will probably have a foul odor and, before I even take it, I feel sorry for the other bathroom users between the times of 10:30 and 11:00.

So there is this conundrum -- I have no idea whether or not I should announce that I will be out of the office for a solid 15 minutes or so 'to go to the bathroom.' I quickly wonder about normal Korean etiquette... Of course, my male friends all announce it. "Going to the bathroom!", they say. I seem to remember that the women-folk tend to say "One moment, please!" (or something like that) and they just leave... But this is all in the context of friends and aquaintances drinking/eating together...

Do I do as a male and say to the co-workers, "I am going to the bathroom!"? Or perhaps do I say, "I'll be back in a minute..." While considering this I left the office and went to the bathroom. I found that the toilet seat was heated which encouraged me to linger there for a while -- and I still wondered if it was considered rude to leave without announcing it? I wondered if it was, perchance, likewise rude to tell everyone you are going to the bathroom; or even to say something like, "I will be back in a minute..." Because that would lead to the conclusion "he is going to the bathroom," and after 10 minutes, "he is defecating." Or that might even bring up the question right off, "Where are you going?" and then I have to tell the truth...
"Oh, y'know, just going to the bathroom and going to push copious amounts of waste out of my rectal cavity..."

Because I drank a lot of alcohol the day before, I vaguely wonder if it can be smelled by the others. This wouldn't be some big issue by any stretch as it is quite normal in Korea to enjoy alcohol mid-week. I say this because it potentially adds to the image you can build up here...

There is One Male Human, and he is a caucasian, with a beard; broad shoulders, red flannel shirt, black pants. (In the fashion world thisis called 'Lumberjackin'', invented by Canadians). Maybe there's even a bit of an alcohol smell (this is now called 'double Lumberjackin''). Then there are four women -- two in their twenties and both are attractive. Not "Next Top Model" attractive, but "girl nextdoor" attractive; not "beautiful," but "pretty." One has a vague 'librarian' feel to her, and the other seems to be more fashion conscious; but then again, is this 'librarian' feel a deliberate act, and thereby also fashion conscious? Knowing other 20 year old women, I would like to amend this: they are both fashion conscious.

There is another woman who is 37. She was a Christian missionary in South Africa. She also is attractive in the sense that any healthy person is. She is kind, intelligent; witty. Skilled. The fourth woman is really Buddhist, 40-something, still with a great youthful flame. Really into photography. She went to Africa, as well, on a safari to take photographs of wild animals. She announced earlier in the morning that she had been up since dawn preparing foods for a "Jae-sa," a gathering where Koreans remember the dead through ceremonial bowing and eating. We talk about this for a while, and she is quite a nice woman. The sort of woman that will wake up at dawn and cook food for a dead relative's honor.

And there I am -- I need to 'drop a deuce.' I need to go to the 'salle de bains.' I have a beard. I am an alcohol drinker. Double lumberjackin' this morning. In my mind I also recollect all of my dirty acts, my sinful nature; I carry this with me forever, and when I die God Himself will comment on this. there is also a large stain in my bloodline. My ancestors were bloodthirsty Vikings, rapists, murderers; robbers, highwaymen. Not only did they kill other people, but I assume they were 'stealers of joy' and 'joke killers' as northern European types tend to be. I also know, for a fact, that some of my ancestors were sailors. Of course, their fathers were sailors, too. Go back far enough? It's just sailing around Europe with an axe, hurting people and defiling them.

When I defecate, I defile entire bathrooms with the smell; I carve a proverbial battleaxe. I am white; I am a slaver; I am a Holocauster; I am a genocider of the natives, a Christian culture terminator. I influence the whole world and turn them towards consumer capitalism and the pain of postmodern existence. "You doing well over there, Natives? Well, here is Christianity, and here is Existential Angst, and here is 'shame' and 'sin.' And now I will perseucte and kill you, and I will be racist at you. How ya doing now, losers?"

Entire continents were destroyed by my ilk. And among these white people -- I am of the stock of white man who historically terrorizes other white men. The few redeeming qualities of Catholicism -- Martin Luther threw those all out the window and made Protestantism just to mess everything up more.

And these are Koreans... They haven't invaded or victimized anyone. They are a highly educated people with a rich cultural history, and I came all the way over here and I am going to just wreck this bathroom. And I do not know, should I inform them? Should I announce my intention to destroy this bathroom, to battle-axe it?

What if I say this, and they just say...

"Why don't you just go back to America? Or, should I say, "Vinland," you nasty-ass bearded barbarian?"
"Why not just pop a squat and beshat our floor while you're at it, White man? You've already done that to our culture."
"How about you just go to that bathroom, and then just never come back?"
"You know, last night I went to the bathroom and I certainly didn't tell everyone, because it's a little rude to let everyone know you're about to do dirty things...."

Or, what if when I leave and say nothing, they say something like...
"How rude. Doesn't even bother letting us know his intentions..."
"What a schmuck. How do we even know what he is doing? He is a barbaric Westerner -- probably going to go get drunk and then go whoring in Cheongryangri."
Etc.

These are all problems. There is no right solution.

These people are basically asking me to heal 500 years of race relations with a pre-bathroom gesture, and I am just sure I am going to fail. They are reminding me of the ethnic blight that is the Viking race. At this point I just wished I could have gone home and go to the bathroom.

... So I went to the bathroom and I came back, sat down... And nothing has changed. But who knows? Everything is ruined in its own way.

[Verv]

It must have been about 2010, and I was riding a subway in the morning hour. I remember it wasn't rush hour because the subway wasn't crowded at all, but I still had no room to sit.

There was a young woman fidgeting in front of me uncomfortably, so much so that I bothered to pay closer attention to her. I noticed she was too old to be wearing sort of juvenile clothing and she seemed oddly slope shouldered and somehow... odd.

She turned at one point enough for me to notice she had Downs syndrome. I took a few minutes to contemplate how rare it was to see them in Korea. They must be more of a general burden and I guess often hid away. Some strange part of me understood and justified that for a few moments, because part of me enjoyed anything illiberal.

A few stops later the door opened and this nervously fidgeting handicapped woman suddenly lit up and swayed back and forth a few times, and in that thick voice, full of beaming happiness, she greeted a woman who was waiting for her on pthe platform and smiling happily, waiting for her. Her happiness was contagious and it really seemed like some amazing joining of friends coming together. I could feel something.

I was hungover, as often I was those days, and I felt choked up for a moment. I had sat and judged the situation in some odd, impersonal way, and in a roundabout way thought of the cruelty they receive as irrelevant and as a cold fact.

But I guess I have realized and truly known since that time that these people are very sentient, loving, emotional. And they deserve it as much as all of us do. And so the efforts to normalize and accept and promote them in our society, as we've done in the west, should happen everywhere.

I also knew my mother would be truly mortified I had contemplated these people without bubbling over with empathy. And I think that's something that will never be beaten out of me, an intense desire to be good and to be comforting. All my attempts to shut out this are met with failure.

I still feel emotional remembering this.